Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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