yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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