TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
That reminds me...we need to get swords
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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