I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
