So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
