You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
