Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
