So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Randomize
