ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
