Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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