Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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