I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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