she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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