i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
