I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
