woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
