So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
