I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
