i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
