Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
