Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
