And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
