then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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