I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
