My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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