I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
