I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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