yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
