We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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