I hate all girls vehemently.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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