I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
