yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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