I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
