you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
