Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
