sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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