So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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