if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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