WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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