The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
