I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
