these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
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