When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
