What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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