Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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