The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
