Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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