I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
