Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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