yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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