Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
